wow its been a long time. dunno how long but yeah.
after many months of moping around - 6 months to be exact - i suddenly had this impression that writing - alright not exactly writing per say - my thoughts down would keep the blues away. y'know stop me from feeling like a loser all the time. and yes, i do mean all the time. 24/7.
i guess people who have heard me out will know what im gonna talk about.
i remember it as if it was yesterday. i enlisted in K(estrel) company on 01022012 and thought nothing of it at first. but to my horror... within the first 48 hours of confinement, we were already facing the floor and being screamed at. well, at the very least it was good training and an excellent way to pass time for us. ok so fast forward to march - cant remember the exact date, but it was the day before field camp. a thursday. boy were we glad to have been given a day off to collect our results - booking out for 24 hours before booking back into hell.
the usual happened, tried to organise lunch with some people i thought i was rather close to, but failed. okay small matter compared to whats about to come. wib tds nicK and i (and co?) were randoming around the canteen, apprehensive (?) about whats to come. and yes we didnt want to go up to the hall immediately because we didnt want to be demoralised by our favourite LLC whom we could hear reviewing all the stats about how many distinctions/ passing rate and what not to the rest of the (very bothered) school population. at that time... i still had a little confidence left in me, that i would at least do alright (by school standard). i even had the energy to console tds, telling him that it would be alright, and to stop worrying about the future. yeah maybe before this i wasnt scared at all. with my "die then die" attitude, i could have considered myself ready for that day. but at that particular point in time... all the hairs on my back were standing.
it was time. everyone was standing around the table my class had been allocated. some were queuing up. for me, i was just standing around waiting for the queue to be clear before going up to yyt to collect my results. and then, mum appeared. so i had no choice but to wait in line to get that green (or was it brown) file which would seal my fate. the people in front of me were greeted with smiles all "happy happy". but when it came to me... yyt's face immediately turned black. actually maybe not cause she refused to look into my eyes and was somehow interested in something that was on the floor? at first i thought nothing of it... but then i opened that file and... oh boy it was as if 1000000^99999 daggers were pierced into me at the same time. no need to say what i got cause im not exactly proud of it... but as my mum came to me her first words were "its alright". ya sure "alright" uh. hearing the rest compare what they got was even worse. those who had always been repeatedly coming to me saying "oh... how im going to fail..." were getting perfect scores. and when it was my turn to say what i got, it was as if my lips were magically sewn up. i could only open that file and let a select few take a look.
at first glance. my mind went totally blank. i didnt know what to make of it. all that 'waste of my 2 years in jc' bullshit hadnt even come to play. i was just like "shit... now what?" i seriously felt like it was the end of the world. one by one people who mattered to me most came to comfort me. sorry for trying but it was of no use. what an awesome way to end what i thought could be my 2 most exciting years of school. and to top it off, i had to deal with the limp i had and i still had to book in that night for a (kestrel) field camp the next day. what a great life i had.
well. that was what happened on that day. i may have omitted some details - like thoughts about particular people and what not. but i think they arent v important. what was most important was how shitty i was feeling and that no one - and i mean it, including some of my closest friends - could ever empathise with me and the situation i was facing then. i understand, its hard. and i dont blame anyone of you.
has this helped? maybe not, given that ive sort of gotten over it - mainly because i dont give a damn anymore. because that was one day i wish i could just erase from my memory (apart from another which i shall not discuss now) forever.
